I did not sign up for this! Or did I?

Ignorance is bliss is only true in some cases. Ignorance doesn’t just mean lack of information, it means you literally turn a blind eye to all the warning signs despite having a considerable amount of knowledge of what you are getting into.

Its 3 am on a Monday morning. My Sunday went by as I worked and went home and came back to work and went home and I just returned to work. Again. The entire university is deserted at this hour. There’s just you, your car and your one walk up the department from the parking lot. You pray that no one jumps out of the bushes to attack you or the utter lack of humans that you came across all day.

I hoped that every one of my experimental setup steps will go according to a strip timeline. I had a plan which involved going home by 9 pm and coming back in the morning at 9am. Alas! Good things never come when you want them to. First the seed cultures didn’t grow, then pipettes didn’t work, then anger go the best of me and I had to rush home to vent out loud at my boss. The walls have ears at work. Who knows if the boss has a secret camera hidden here? I would like to cuss out my boss with all my heart in the privacy of my home, thank you very much.

Its 3 am and I’m highly dissatisfied with my life right now. This has been what seems to be the summer of ‘3 am’s. I had been up all hours in the night, and/or morning, not because of poor planning but plain bad luck. If somebody says you make your own luck, I’m going to scream. The constant pressures and micromanaging gets to me. Just last Friday, having been up all night to re-do every calculation from the last two months, food-less and sleep-less me was ordered by my boss to do graphs and gave me lecture on articulation of my thoughts. Lastly, she pointed out to me all the dirty dishes. If there’s a reason to kill your boss, let this please be it.

Day in, day out. Its dirty dishes. Its me not speaking at the group meeting. Its just one thing after another. Until I have nothing left to give and I’m just a hate-filled, exhausted, wound-up, angry hole.

Its 3 am on a Monday morning and I’m still here. Shell-shocked that I did know what I was signing up for when I got into the PhD program. I knew it would be hard. I knew I was going to cry for my mother, for God, for any amount of things. I didn’t know that I will be working round the clock. In return, I receive absolutely no respect for my efforts or intentions from the boss. PhD is a thankless quagmire.

Its 3 am on a Monday morning and I’m a slave.


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